Saturday, April 29, 2017

As you are - from Human by Rag 'n' Bone Man You wrote my heart thank you.

Every once in awhile the come along a person who seems to have been in your head and says the things you feel. This has happened to me recently. I heard Human the single by Rag 'n' Bone Man and was blown away by it and his voice so I looked on line and discovered more of his songs. It has been a very long time since I got this excited about anyone, so as soon as I had enough money I went and got his album Human. Not able to contain my excitement I played it in the car on the way home. Aly and I both loved most of the tracks, but not all if we're honesty, on first hearing as some seemed a bit draggy and preachy. We both loved Human and Skin which in our opinion anyone who doesn't like is someone who doesn't like choccy, yes that bad. As we were playing I was reading the lyrics and taken back many, many, years when excitedly I would rush out and get the latest T.Rex album and read them! To my amazement Aly, also did the same thing and we both agreed it was the best album we's heard in years.

On the whole album there is one song that stood out for me and made tears come to my eyes, for here someone was singing about how I felt about Aly! How the hell did they know that ?? Well, it is not about her as he's never met her or me, but you all know what I mean. That song is called As you are. Now I am going to quote from it and please note that these lyrics are copyright to Rag 'n' Bone man and are not my words.

You raised the lights when it was frightening
You calmed the storm when it was rising
You found me there where I was hiding
All I have is here and now

It was these first lines that made me want to cry as this is exactly how I feel about Aly, she did these things for me, stopped me from being frightened and still does. She does calm my storms when the abuse I went through threaten to swamp me. She did find the real Kev who was hiding deep inside afraid to come out for various reasons . Yes all I have is here is and now. Most importantly it is all I want and nothing more.

If the ground beneath our feet has disappeared
I'll be here beside you, always be right near you
Remember me, won't you?

This is me asking if things go wrong please stay, which I know she will and has done so.

I know we've all got our problems
And it's a blessing that we made it here so far
If you lay here in these arms tonight I promise
I promise to take you, take you as you are

This is how I felt about Aly when I first met her and we both really felt about each other - for they about acceptance of the other as you are.

When I was reaching out in the dark
When the streets below just looked so far
When I forgot everything that I was
All I needed was your love

These for me are the "killer lines" For the abuse that I had made as a barrier around me so I couldn't be touched by others and so many said there was a barrier and I forgot how to love and how to be me, the real me, all I needed was to be loved. I think we all need that someone, some one who can make us feel safe enough to be ourselves, not to be afraid of who we are, someone that loves us as we are,  not what we show the world or what others think we are but the one who really knows us.  Yes these lines made me cry for I realised that all I needed was Aly's love and then Kev could be Kev at long last.

Need Your Love So Bad will always be "our song" for it was playing when we met and we play it every year as we remember that moment when we fell in love. Yet this song As You are, is perhaps the mature version of that, how through the years we've realised just how deep our love is and how we both really just needed someone to love us as we are and nothing more.

So Mr Rag 'n' Bone Man thank you, for saying what I have been trying to say  to my wife - nowt more to say than that .

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Healing & Closure? Not really just learning how to cope

Yesterday I read a really interesting blog by my dear friend Alex on Closure and I agreed with her conclusions on it. If we close something or seek to close  it then we are saying it never happened and therefore I believe we learn nothing from it.  Last night, I was shouting for my wife as memories came flooding back of the abuse I went through. Aly had to use the key words that we have so I would return less frightened to this time and not remain there, but still I had to get up for over an hour and defrag my Ba to remain here and get back to "normal" me.

Now some think, well you've had counselling surely you can now put those things in the past surely you must be healed. Well the truth is, that I am not healed in any way shape or form, for counselling is not time travel it cannot go back and prevent every abuse I went through from happening and if it could would I really want it to?

Why would I not want the abuse never to have happened? Surely any sane person wouldn't want to have been raped and abused mentally and psychically as I was. Well in honesty I can't really answer that question, because that happened to me it is part of my history, part of what made me, me. Would I be less of the Kev I am if kevin  had not gone through that or would I ever have become Kev? Would I have been able to become merimaat and have accepted the love of Holy Mother Maat and most importantly of all would I have seen the need to change and been able to love as I do now?

It might seem strange to some, but being abused has given me so much that I know others do not have. It has shown me how I needed to change and to stop being abusive to others as I know what that feels like. Strangely, it has also taught me how to love in the correct way, not the right way, for my abusers love in the right way, the right way for them. This is not the correct way, which is loving for others not for yourself.

Counselling didn't heal, or provide closure for neither of those things really exist, they are just words we use as we learn to be in the present not in the past. This is all that people do, learn to live in with events that have happened they are never undone  never closed, never forgotten, nor for many every truly forgiven. You learn to cope and accept that there are times when you can't do so and you have the right not to do so and you're allowed to fall apart.

As for me well, I do forgive for that is maat and that is love. What I have done to others as a result of being abused, burns my Ib and my Ba is troubled by, which is also maat. Yet this abused one now can love and give love not because they have to but because they want to do so. I have not closed my past or been healed from it, it is there and I learn not be what/who I was from it, not to be abusive. Strangely, I have also learnt not to make any judgements on those who abuse, for they might be mentally/emotionally ill or have been abused as I was.

So in the end we are never healed, never have closure, we just learn to cope and not to go back and live in the past, which I some might say is healing and is closure.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

My Beautiful Aly

My Beautiful Aly
the years have flown by in the twinkling of an eye
and now we are in our golden years
The bloom of youth has blossomed
and the autumn of middle age gone
now the winter of our sixties is here
The mirror doesn't lie 
 nor the white hair 
nor the wisdom lines
we both share
Where once was north 
now is deep south

Yet you still are my Beautiful Aly
My Beautiful wife
My Best friend 
My Lover  okay 
that I can no longer say

My love you will always be
My Beautiful Aly

(c)merimaat 23 March 2017

Friday, March 03, 2017

It was 20yrs ago today Traa dy Liooar

20 years ago we left the UK for the last time and started our new life on the Isle of Man which was in our hearts and became our home.
 20years ago, we and it were very different. The Isle of Man was mostly Manx both in people and in the shops and services, it was how Lancashire used to be we kept remarking. The Manx people were warm and welcoming and every body willing to help us and wanted us to succeed. People would tell us the best place to shop for such and such and tell us things about the island that tourists never knew. We soon learnt much about the history, not the history in the books, but the real history of the people. Who was in the wedding cake and where they came from, much of this was really funny, but people were open to us. Okay, some could say they were nosey, but as much as we learnt about the Island and about the people, they got our history as well even down to, it seemed at times our DNA! We soon learnt the truth of the saying that if you sneezed in Douglas then someone in Peel would say bless you. Perhaps the biggest thing we learnt was that if you were honest and really wanted to make the Isle of Man your home, the Manx would help you, but if you in any way put up a barrier you were a "comeover" and there was a boat at 9am.

So much has changed since we arrived, to be blunt not for the best in so many of the changes. Now the wonderful Manx shops in Town are fast becoming a faded memory, with the few remaining ones like the dying embers of once warm fire. Now you can walk through town and not see as many familiar faces or it take you 3hours to do your messages as you catch up with old friends. Now we have unheard of crime and we lock our doors and cars and even our once fully Manx companies are now owned by off islanders. It has not completely gone and I hope it never will, but it seems to be heading that way as Morecambe did,the rose of Lancashire with a heart of gold, became the jaded old lady sitting on bench remembering better times when the world was younger and people loved her. I really hope my beloved Island home doesn't become the grumpy suspicious old man reflecting on his youth when he was the envy of the world.

20 years on this is our home, while the blood of Lancashire flows through our veins it does through a heart that is made on the Isle of Man. For this is our home and the only place that we would ever want to be until we pass to the great place beyond and then our passing will be to Ellan Vannin.  In so many respects, I am more Manx than anything else, for it was here that I was helped on my journey from the abused kevin to Kev. For as much as the island has changed, the greater changes have been within ourselves. It is funny when we do the quizzes that come up about how Manx are you and we score 100% on them, we sometimes think and say do you remember when we used to think how can anyone say its far to Ramsey and now we plan to go there.

This beautiful Island still enhances us as still amazes us with its beauty and it's many, many hidden gems. It still can lift our hearts and make our souls soar as we breath in the fresh clean air. We can still go to our special places at night and gaze at the wonders of the universe. Still get a proper Manx welcome in many places and still find our quick five mins turn into an hour, still get the skeet. The unfathomable Traa dy Liooar of the first day has become thankfully part of our way doing things. The two that came here to start afresh in our second year of marriage, not only found a fresh start but a home and the place where we belong. Perhaps the biggest compliment that we have been given to us is when people say Well I never knew you weren't Manx !

Traa dy liooar. T'eh taishbyney yn traa kiart. Time Enough, It shows the correct time. I think I shall have on my grave stone, for the correct time to do anything is when there is time enough. So 20 years ago was the correct time for us to have time enough for Ellan Vannin to become our home. Now we are Aly from the Parish of Ballaugh and Kev from the Parish of Malew , different names and in many ways different people thanks the magic of this jewel in the middle of the Irish Sea.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

living with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis for my friend Anne

Yesterday I heard the sad news that my friend Ann had been told she has   Myalgic Encephalomyelitis so today I am writing this to help her and may be just help others. These are just things I have learnt and how I deal with things.

Medication; have pain killers, but only use them when you REALLY need to do so. Antihistamine tablets are valuable fight against things as is folic acid, remember M.E. attacks the body each day and these help fight the worst of it. Get regular check up for your thyroid as this is also attacked by M.E.

Light and Sound: get lower wattage light bulbs, turn down the light on your lappy or pc and adjust the brightness of your TV. Get "black out " curtains to cut out the light at night. Artificial light is particularly stressful for M.E. sufferers. Natural sun light can be filtered, if you wear glasses get anti glare coating, wear a hat that shades your eyes and if the sun is very bright then sun glasses help. However natural sun light is good for you and helps with M.E. so adjust things so you can get out when you are well enough. Sound you have little control over apart from making adjustments in your own home. It is very painful and I haven't found a solution apart from being able to get out to someone peaceful to try and relax and even then that is only possible when you feel up to it.

Brain fog, well write things down so you remember them and try to explain to loved ones that it happens and they need to be aware of it. Again I have not found a work around this and when I have I can't remember what it is. Don't worry when you make mistakes and can't see them, a good spellchecker can help, but sometimes just call the thing you can't remember a thing.

It is important to "listen to" although it is something none of us do, what your body is telling you. If it needs to rest it needs to rest. Usually I find my throat starts hurting when I have reached my limits and know I have to rest. All of us push ourselves beyond this because we want to be normal, however you have to accept that you are now disabled and not like you used to be. There are days when you can do things at first but this goes down to hours, so do what you can in those hours and rest when you can't.

Accept the fact that sleep will not improve your mind or body functions, it is just a slowing down not the relaxing refreshing thing you have been used to having.

Establish routines; this is the most valuable lesson I have learnt. I have a routine in the morning of getting up and making coffee and feeding IsisKitty and using social media and then resting. When I can remember I eat at the same time each day and shower at the same time. Having this routine helps me and gives me a reason to get up even when I don't feel like it or am not capable of doing so. In between the routine I do have to rest and in truth most of the day is resting.  Try to go out at least once a week for if you do not do so it is very easy to be afraid of doing so and retreating from life.

Every body is different because as with any disability Myalgic Encephalomyelitis affects us all differently. There may be times when it does seem so bad and others when it is really, you just have to live through whatever it brings you. You have to accept that you will not recover from it and your live will never be the same again, that is hard. HOWEVER THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IS LET IT TAKE "COMPLETE OWNERSHIP" OF YOU AND YOUR LIFE - IT IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE NOT WHAT YOU ARE. STAY POSITIVE

I hope some of these things help, but each of us find our own way. I went from being a very active out going person to one who now can really on communicate through social media and not even then on my worst days and most of that is copy and paste. Yes I do my blog and try to keep to my routines, but this week I've not really been able to do. After 10 years of starting with it and now knowing it is having more attacks on my body I know what to expect more or less, but each of us is different, so your pathway will be different. Just remember you are living with it, and do your best.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is not CFS the battle for understanding continues

   Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is not CFS the battle continues until it is understood. I don't know how many time I have to say this, probably until my last breath  Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is not CFS and even then people still will not understand the difference.

CFS as I have stated many time is recoverable from and most with it (but not all) will recover from it.  Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is not recoverable from and no one ever does recover from it. There are periods when it is less that at others and yet the truth is that most of the time it is worse and there is a downward path to it . 

I actually feel sorry for the doctors, because when we who have   Myalgic Encephalomyelitis really could do with their help, but the only time the doctor will see us is when we are having a "good" period, however long that lasts and when we are capable of doing something.They and no one else sees us  when we feel and are at our worse, because we're forced into doing nothing but get away from everything.So when we are seen it's because we are feeling less worse than our very worse, we are never fit just less unfit . It is during these windows of time that we make the best of what we can to do what we can, before we are back to not be able to do things again.  I can honestly say to you that since getting  Myalgic Encephalomyelitis the only times that I've not been fighting it is when I have been under having an operation, but when I wake up the symptoms kick in and I know that momentary relief will not last. 

The difference between   Myalgic Encephalomyelitis  and CFS is like the difference between having a cold and having flu. When you have a cold you may be incapacitated and feel rotten but when you have the flu everything is painful.  Or the difference, between having the blues and being depressed, when you have the blues things are hard, but when you have depression things are impossible. 

So it is with   Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and  CFS while they seem to the outsider the same and present the sufferer with many of the same symptoms, which means so many who have CFS are told or believe they have  Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.  Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is, for want of a better description CFS with flu ++ 

I have been looking at things even more closely lately when I feel capable of and see that   Myalgic Encephalomyelitis presents in many ways similarly to Fibromyalgia and there may be a link there which if found may well help the sufferers of both eventually be helped and a cure find, probably through genetics,  as I think both are a genetic attacked condition. However if you look at Fibromyalgia and CFS there is only a  very tenuous link there  to say the very most.

Okay so you are all going to get bored with me going about   Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is not CFS, but I have to do so, not for myself, but to be the voice of others who have died through it and who don't have the voice that I have. Yes this has taken me a week to do, but if only one person reads and understands then it will be worth it. 

Monday, February 13, 2017

The Chrysalids by John Wyndham a classic favourite from 1955 but a story for our time

The first time I read  The Chrysalids by John Wyndham. must have been in the early 1980s when I would visit my local library each week. I loved it then and so went on to read the rest of his works including  the Day of the Triffids, which is perhaps his most famous work. From talking to people it is the only thing that Mr Wyndham is remembered for by most, which is a pity as he is such a great author. So ladies and other peeps let me introduce you to the Chrysalids which is available in Penguin Books.

 The Chrysalids is set sometime in the future in a world that  was destroyed  almost completely by the insanity that is a nuclear war. We enter a world that this still recovering from that and the ascendants of the survivors of that. It is based in Labrador and told through the eyes of David who along with his cousin Rosalind and their friends a different to others in their small community and its excepted norms. In this world we are confronted with what it means to be normal, who sets the standards of normal and the fear of anything that deviates from that. We also enter a world of religious intolerance where every thing has to live up to the standards in the interpretation of the bible. Not just the bible but another book that sets out to say what the bible means. It explores in depth these themes, but that does not make it a boring book, far from it as it moves along at quite a pace.

There is so much depth to this book and although it was first published in the year of my birth 1955 it is very relevant today when the world is entering a period of religious bigotry and the threat of another world war and the consequences of that could become a frightening reality. It is explores what is like to be different not to fit into the norms and asks who sets those norms and why are we so afraid to move on.

So within what on the surface is quite a simple story told by the main character David, not only do we enter his world but we like him are left questioning so many things. Yes Mr Wyndham leaves us with hope, hope that as we evolve we can remove so much, but also with the that we are left with the warning that if we do not learn that even the evolved fall into thinking that they are superior to what is and what was.

Yes I really love this book and read it within 48hrs of getting it, something I've not done for years. It is a great book that leaves you thinking it would make a great film, but then as with all great books they are best left as the writer intended to be alive in your mind and no film can ever truly be as good as that.  SO BUY IT READ IT AND ENJOY AND THEN RE-READ IT AND ENJOY AGAIN