These last few days been very emotionally hard for me. Last Monday Aly, who had been out came home saying she wasn't feeling well and was getting pains in her chest and feeling giddy. She already has had a minor stroke and heart disease runs in her family, both her elder brother and her mother died as a result of it. Fortunately she had the sense to come home to rest and if the worst came to the worst I was here to call for whatever help she might need. It hasn't come to that, because I have been doing my best for her and making her relax as much as possible keeping my eye on her and checking her blood pressure.
As far as possible I've not been showing her my fears and the emotional state I am in. This has been very hard to be honest, even impossible and if she has seen me in tears then I have blamed my going through the change, not that she believed a word of, but I've tried.
For the last 21 coming on 22 years we not spent more than a few days totally apart and those were only when I was on a course or when she was in hospital. Both of us hated those times and felt lost without the other around. True we could speak on the telephone, but it's not the same thing as holding and kissing each other good night. The house looked and felt empty with out the other one being there, even if they can be a right pain sometimes, they're your pain and it's a pain you love. Somehow when you love someone and are married to them or live togetheenr, you always expect them to be there. I expect Aly to always be there and yet these events have left me with the dread that one day she might not be!
To be honest none of us like to be faced with reality of our own mortality, but every once in awhile it comes along and kicks you in the naughty bits forcing you to face it. Facing your own mortality, is frightening enough, but facing the mortality of the one you love, your best friend, lover, partner etc, somehow is harder. I have found myself asking How would I live without her? The simple answer is that I really don't want to do so and have made plans not to do so. I also think that I would die of a broken heart if she were to go. The truth of the matter is however, I don't know if either of these things would happen, so I am still left with the unanswerable question - How will I live without you. Sadly it is a fact of life that millions have had to live through and no one wants to have to do. I wouldn't want Aly to have to do so.
No matter what you accept happens next and even if you are convinced of knowing the answer that you will be always together, the fact is that we all we want to remain here where we know and not go there and not go alone -
So if you know the answer to How will I live without you, please tell my heart and get it to know, because I really haven't a clue.
Wednesday, February 08, 2017
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