Yesterday I read a really interesting blog by my dear friend Alex on Closure and I agreed with her conclusions on it. If we close something or seek to close it then we are saying it never happened and therefore I believe we learn nothing from it. Last night, I was shouting for my wife as memories came flooding back of the abuse I went through. Aly had to use the key words that we have so I would return less frightened to this time and not remain there, but still I had to get up for over an hour and defrag my Ba to remain here and get back to "normal" me.
Now some think, well you've had counselling surely you can now put those things in the past surely you must be healed. Well the truth is, that I am not healed in any way shape or form, for counselling is not time travel it cannot go back and prevent every abuse I went through from happening and if it could would I really want it to?
Why would I not want the abuse never to have happened? Surely any sane person wouldn't want to have been raped and abused mentally and psychically as I was. Well in honesty I can't really answer that question, because that happened to me it is part of my history, part of what made me, me. Would I be less of the Kev I am if kevin had not gone through that or would I ever have become Kev? Would I have been able to become merimaat and have accepted the love of Holy Mother Maat and most importantly of all would I have seen the need to change and been able to love as I do now?
It might seem strange to some, but being abused has given me so much that I know others do not have. It has shown me how I needed to change and to stop being abusive to others as I know what that feels like. Strangely, it has also taught me how to love in the correct way, not the right way, for my abusers love in the right way, the right way for them. This is not the correct way, which is loving for others not for yourself.
Counselling didn't heal, or provide closure for neither of those things really exist, they are just words we use as we learn to be in the present not in the past. This is all that people do, learn to live in with events that have happened they are never undone never closed, never forgotten, nor for many every truly forgiven. You learn to cope and accept that there are times when you can't do so and you have the right not to do so and you're allowed to fall apart.
As for me well, I do forgive for that is maat and that is love. What I have done to others as a result of being abused, burns my Ib and my Ba is troubled by, which is also maat. Yet this abused one now can love and give love not because they have to but because they want to do so. I have not closed my past or been healed from it, it is there and I learn not be what/who I was from it, not to be abusive. Strangely, I have also learnt not to make any judgements on those who abuse, for they might be mentally/emotionally ill or have been abused as I was.
So in the end we are never healed, never have closure, we just learn to cope and not to go back and live in the past, which I some might say is healing and is closure.